Free Will Classic

3:29 pm, 9/27/03

Captain Euro to the Rescue!
I've meant to blog this for a while. I'm sorry, but this is just too damn funny. Meet Captain Euro, the European comic book hero:

Captain Euro has taken a difficult vow: "To use, wherever possible, intellect, culture and logic - not violence - to take control of difficult criminal situations." Captain Euro is a diplomatic hero - the symbol of European unity and values.

The other members of the Twelve Stars Euro Team marvel that Captain Euro finds time for an unusual relaxing hobby. He paints European landscapes. The fingers that tap scientific data into Captain Euro's palmtop computer are often stained with paint.

Then there's Europa, his female sidekick of questionable sexual orientation!

As Europa, she combined her expertise in the Gaeia theory and her love of the natural world to become a committed environmentalist. Inside the ATOMIUM, Europa leads all environmental research and ocean wildlife protection projects from the ENVIRONMENTAL SPHERE.

She'd fit right in at any anti-Bush protest. Another member of the team gives us some insight into just how worldly they really are:

Erik enjoys fantastic stories, especially those by Jules Verne and the whole school of European writers (including H G Wells, Isaac Asimov and Arthur C Clarke) who combine science and imagination to dream the impossible and point the way to the future.

Those dirty American, African, Middle Eastern, and Asian writers are just unacceptable! Not good enough for Europe! Captain Euro and his team also enjoy competing in international sporting events "for the glory of Europe"! Sieg heil! There's even an Olympic gymnast, and she's very tolerant of diversity. By which, of course, they mean Europeans.

Travelling the world as a young gymnast gave HELEN a chance to visit, and gain an insight, into many different communities. In particular she developed an impressive knowledge and appreciation of the diversity of all the European cultures. Proud winner of Olympic Gold, Helen's primary passion remains gymnastics. No beam is too narrow for Helen, no jump too far - she is always looking for new physical challenges to test her skills to the limit.

It's hilarious that 'travelling the world' means 'travelling Europe' to these people. The team wouldn't be complete with a dog. Specifically, a European wolf!

Of course, Captain Euro and his "Twelve Star Team" just wouldn't be commercial viable without merchandising opportunities gadgets including ultra-modern tights that make them look like gay bikers, some kind of stun gun, and a submarine based on a dolphin.

Captain Euro and his team also enjoy competing in international sporting events "for the glory of Europe"! Sieg heil!

Now let's meet Captain Euro's archenemy, "Dr. D. Vider". (Get it? "D. Vider"? He divides people! He's anti-unity! He's bad! The only thing missing is his girlfriend, "Uni L. Ateral".)

DAVID VIDERIUS is a former financier. He is a multi-millionaire, used to making money no matter if it might involve the suffering of others. Banned and ostracised from the financial world for unprofessional conduct he managed to escape arrest despite his involvement in financial scandal.

I shit you not, the villain who threatens Europe is a wealthy "corporate criminal".

Having disappeared for many years, he reappeared as DR D VIDER. He manages a holding company, DIVIDEX, controlling hundreds of different businesses across Europe and beyond. His son and only family, Junior, helps him in his quest for power. His ambition for his son sometimes clouds his judgment.

Junior?

THE GLOBAL TOURING CIRCUS, a huge travelling company that he secured when it was on the edge of bankruptcy, is now DIVIDEX'S base. Dr D Vider uses the circus as a cover for recruiting new members to his evil team from all over the world.

So, let me get this straight. He runs an evil Euro-circus? Couldn't possibly be... What about Junior? Why is he so evil?

The lack of attention he received as a child, has turned Junior into a sociopath.

These people are for real. Other villains in Dr. D. Vider's little circus include a midget with a yo-yo and an Amazonian parrot that likes caviar.

You can't miss, either, the priceless Introduction, including the map of Europe showing waves of power emanating from Brussels! When will this crazy "United Europe" merry-go-round of international comedy ever end?!